Wishing Our Children Happiness
If you have children you know the feeling; the deep desire to FIX things that don’t go their way. That urge to manage and get ahead of their possible disappointments and frustrations and to see them “happy”.
I remember clearly sitting in a parents group when my youngest was in elementary school and participating in a discussion about what we most wanted for our children. Being happy was at the top of everyone’s list and yet our ideas of what this meant and how to “make” it happen seemed unclear at best and more than a bit out of sync with the reality of how the world works. Parents at this workshop wanted their kids to …make the team, get the part in the play, get into the right college, be successful in school, have good friends, be popular, and the list goes on. Basically happiness was defined as the “oh so practical” wish for them to never feel let down or disappointed and for everything in their lives to be perfect! You see the problem with this version of happiness, right?
So, what does it mean anyways, to be happy? And how do we help our children find this illusive happiness, when, lets face it, many of us have struggled with this concept ourselves?
The idea, so prevalent in our society, that happiness is an end goal, a place to get to or a thing to attain and not instead, a way to simply walk through life is the first obstacle. In my work with adults, one of the most common places they get stuck is worrying about their children. There is this desire to have our children reach that place where everything will go smoothly and stay that way…. Always. I confess I have gotten stuck there a few times (or more) myself.
The attempts to make everything go smoothly for our children and to have things go their way as a path to happiness, though often well intentioned, have some not so useful consequences. Though we may try to micro manage for “the benefit” of our children, we aren’t teaching them some of the basic truths of life and how to work with them.
The most obvious of which is that sometimes things are hard, sometimes things don’t go our way, sometimes we are disappointed AND there are ways to work with it.
Our capacity to support our children’s happiness is in fact directly related to our ability to help them clearly see and be with what is. The ability to stand our ground and support them in learning to do the same is essential to their well being and ours. As the famous quote by Jon Kabat-Zinn says “You can’t stop the waves, but you can learn how to surf”. Our job is to teach our children to clearly see the waves and to give them surfing lessons. And of course to be there lovingly when a wave or two catches them by surprise.
So how can we model being with what is to support our children learning this crucial truth in life? How do we teach them to surf?
When your child is struggling here are some suggestions:
1. Check in with yourself. You need to be able to be with it first before you are able to skillfully support your child.
2. Cultivate some self-compassion (see the work of Kristin Neff and Chris Germer) and remember that everyone, even YOUR child, will experience difficulties in life. Saying to yourself something along the lines of “this is hard. I know that my child, like all children, will have struggles and I am here for myself through this process.” can be really supportive of staying with the difficulties.
3. Acknowledge and accept their feelings to help them do the same! Help them to name it. Naming feelings is a powerful way to step out from inside them and supports the capacity to work with big emotions.
4. Use the “And”. For example; I know this is hard and……or, I know you are disappointed and …….This is a wonderful way to both validate your child’s feelings and to encourage them to do the same. Supporting a kind acceptance that they are hurting.
5. Remind them that like everyone, sometimes things are hard or don’t go their way or are disappointing….and (remember using and, not but) they can handle it. With deep kindness and compassion reassure them that you know this is hard and you are there for them but resist the urge to fix, advise or to do an end run around the problem. This supports their capacity to be with what is with kindness and curiosity, and cultivates and increases the window of tolerance to manage difficult situations and emotions.
6. Then give them some strategies to calm their nervous system. Here are a few of the myriad of calming and focusing techniques that could be beneficial.
Belly breathing – When breathing in the belly expands slightly and when breathing out it contracts.
Mindful breathing (plus) – Simply noticing the breath and feeling it move in the body. I like to add visuals and words when I work with young people. For example; on the in breath, I am a lake and on the out breath, I am calm. This technique, often taught by Thich Nhat Hanh, can be adapted to use any visual and taps into the power of imagination.
Teddy bear breath– This is a great practice for little ones. Have them lie down with a teddy or stuffed animal on their belly and when they breathe in it goes up and when they breathe out it goes down. It is as if they are rocking it to sleep.
4 square breathing – This is a great tool for older children. Breathing in for a count of 4. Holding for a count of 4. Breathing out for a count of 4. Holding for a count of 4. Do several rounds and then return to normal breathing.
If the emotions are really powerful it is often helpful, after cultivating the awareness and acceptance of the feelings, to then redirect attention to something that helps to support a shift in mindset. Some examples include listening to music, some physical activity, spending time with a friend or going outside in nature.
Teaching children that the full range of emotions is not something to be avoided and is consistent with happiness is a powerful message. Giving them tools to be with emotions and not inside and swept up by them or avoiding and denying them is a gift for a lifetime.
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